


falling through fire

by sprinkleofsunshine



Series: be more chill wips [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Flashbacks, Gen, Halloween, Jake Dillinger's Halloween Party, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Time Skips, Trauma, someone please give rich a hug, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:54:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21979381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sprinkleofsunshine/pseuds/sprinkleofsunshine
Summary: rich never knew why, but he always seemed to remember the incident at the worst possible times.... like now, as he walked through the mall beside his best friend.***(in which rich tries to ignore his trauma in favor of a day out with his best friend, and things don't exactly go according to plan)
Relationships: Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski
Series: be more chill wips [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561993
Kudos: 79





	falling through fire

**Author's Note:**

> things to keep in mind:  
> > this is post-squip, meaning everything in the show is still canon up to this point.  
> > this story takes place from rich's perspective as he experiences flashbacks due to trauma. said flashbacks will be written in italics.  
> > in no way are these flashbacks realistic. as someone who experiences trauma-related flashbacks, i understand that this isn't necessarily how they work. however, they were written in detail to provide more of a background as to why rich's reactions are the way they are. again, the story is being told from his point of view, therefore the memories are taken from knowledge only he has.  
> > rich and jake aren't dating (yet).  
> > this is an unfinished wip that will probably never be fixed.
> 
> enjoy!!

rich never knew why, but he always seemed to remember _the incident_ at the worst possible times.

like when he'd first come back to school after _the incident,_ he'd heard jake's voice behind him, laughing like nothing was wrong, and he'd almost collapsed. or like the time he'd attempted to go to brooke's new year's party, and he spent half the time hiding in the upstairs bathroom, splashing cold water on his face.

or like now, as he walked through the mall beside his best friend.

after _the incident_ , rich had tried to avoid jake. he didn't like the way his stomach knotted up with guilt at the thought of hurting his best- his _only_ \- friend.

deep down, he knew jake hated him. he knew his stupid mistakes had robbed jake of everything- his house, his mobility, his _life_. and when he finally found the nerve to talk to jake again, rich had prepared himself. he had braced himself for the scowl on jake's crooked lips, the twinkling pity in his once-joyous eyes, the bitter taste on his tongue when he said his name. 

however, none of it came.

despite his chair-bound body _("finally got my own set of wheels," he'd joked)_ jake hadn't changed. he was ecstatic to see rich again, joking and teasing like nothing had changed.

things hadn't really changed, rich supposed. apart, it had felt like a distance had grown between the two of them, hundreds of miles wide. when they were together, though, it was hard to stop the happiness from bursting out of them.

and now, after months of recovery, jake was finally up and walking again, albeit a little slower than normal. hence the trip to the mall.

jake was laughing now, in fact. he was always laughing, it seemed. his grin took up the entire mall. it made rich want to smile too.

"so," he was saying, voice light, "you hungry?"

rich grinned brightly. "dude, always."

"y'know, it's been a while... sbarro still good?"

"sbarro sounds amazing."

inside, he kicked himself for lisping. he couldn't help it. still, it sucked. he felt his spirit deflate a bit.

jake must have picked up on the slight change in his friend's mood, because his arm was slung around rich's shoulder in a matter of seconds.

"dude," jake piped up, "when was the last time we did somethin' like this? just us two, i mean?"

leaning into the touch a little, rich brightened. "too long."

jake nodded. "seriously."

as they approached the restaurant, greeted by flashy red and green, rich felt a pang of guilt. a memory flickered behind his eyes, so sudden and realistic he could've sworn it was happening again.

~

_"sbarro?"_

_"yeah, dude!" jake had nearly shouted, practically dragging rich through the doorway. "this place is special."_

_rich had laughed, cuffing jake's arm weakly. "special?"_

_"hell yeah."_

_"how?"_

_jake's face lit up. "you'll see."_

_they'd sat at a booth in the corner, one tucked away from the rest of the world. ("best seats in the house," jake had said, propping his legs up on the cushion. "you can see everything, but no one can see you. it's perfect.")_

_jake was smiling at rich brightly, a bit of pizza grease smeared across his chin. rich's heart did that weird fluttery thing it always seemed to do around jake. he'd giggled, throwing a napkin at his friend._

_"so," rich had piped up, deciding to ignore the unsteady patter in his chest, "what's all this about?"_

_"what's what about?"_

_"you said this place was special. so far, all i've seen is an angry waitress and some sub-par pizza. what's got you so excited?"_

_jake had flushed a bit, looking down at his plate. his lips twitched, and that once-bright grin had dulled to a less familiar, saddened smile._

_"my..." he'd sighed, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "back when they were around, my parents used to bring me here all the time. it's where i had some of the greatest moments of my life. this is where we always spent time together. it... it made me feel like someone cared, y'know? they cared. and now... it's kinda hard, y'know, coming back here. so i don't do it a lot."_

_blinking, rich had reached his hand across the table. "i... i had no idea."_

_"it's fine," jake had shrugged. "i just- i only really bring people i care about to sbarro. it's kinda special to me."_

_another flutter rattled at rich's heart._

_jake's fingers grazed over rich's once, twice, before settling on top of his hand. he lazily linked their fingers together._

_flutter, flutter._

_"you're... the first person that's made me this happy in a while," jake had admitted, face flushing red under the fluorescent lighting. "i'm really lucky to have you, dude."_

_rich had nodded, dumbfounded. "yeah- yeah, definitely. you're the only real friend i have at middleborough. i'm lucky to have you, too."_

_their eyes met, and suddenly, they were laughing._

_laughing much louder than they should have been, probably, if the waitress's pissed-off glare was any indication._

_"shit," jake had giggled, pulling his hand away to rub his eyes, "this is what i'm talkin' about, man! this place brings out the weird, sappy side of me. it's like another dimension."_

_rich bit his lip, trying to stifle his own laughter. "right? jesus, we sound like such nerds."_

_"we do!"_

_jake's smile made rich feel like he was glowing._

_"so, we doin' this again tomorrow?"_

~

"dude?"

rich blinked. jake was standing in front of him, a steady hand resting on his shoulder. he was smiling, as usual, but his eyes were riddled with concern.

"hm?"

jake chuckled softly. "y'know, if you want food from sbarro, you have to go _inside_ sbarro."

"oh." rich plastered on a smile. "yeah- yeah. sorry."

"you good?"

"yeah," rich said, clearing his throat. "yeah, all good. let's go inside."

the hand on his shoulder eased up. "cool."

they headed inside, quickly finding the corner table they used to sit at so often. memories flooded rich's head.

~

_"so," jake said, voice dripping with fondness, "i know we've met up a couple times already, but i still feel like i'm just getting to know you."_

_"really?" rich felt something sharp zap him. he sat up straighter._

_"yeah, dude. you seem pretty chill, but like... what's the real richard goranski like?"_

_he laughed._

_his squip wasn't amused._

**_"play it off. act humbled."_ **

_he cleared his throat. "well, there's not much to say. i'm just me."_

_jake had laughed. "bullshit. tell me about yourself! what's something interesting that no one would guess about you?"_

**_"lie,"_ ** _his squip prompted him._ **_"play towards his interests."_ **

what would those be? _he asked internally._

_the squip shook its head. **"judging by his stature alone, i'd say he's an avid partaker in athletics. a quick statistic analysis of the school's database tells me he tries out for every team available at middleborough."**_

_"i like... sports?"_

_rich felt another zap. he tried not to wince._

_jake leaned in, seemingly intrigued despite the squip's cold glare. "sports? what kind?"_

_"uh..." he looked around. a sticker on jake's phone case advertised some team he'd never heard of, their name displayed across a baseball decal. he smiled. "baseball's pretty cool."_

_the squip nodded._

**_"good. see how he's interested now? keep it up."_ **

_"really?" jake lit up. he swirled the straw in his drink absently. "dude, there's a game comin' up soon, yankees vs. rays. i'm gonna get some of the guys together, you should totally be there!"_

_rich brightened. inside, he was dancing._ getting invited places by cute guys? yes please.

_zap._

_he jumped a little. thankfully, jake was distracted, quickly drafting a mass text inviting his friends to the upcoming game._

_"so? what do you think?"_

**_"accept his invitation. social gatherings with those of higher status can greatly increase your own status."_ **

don't need to tell me twice, _he thought. "i'll be there."_

_jake's smile widened. "sick."_

_the squip nodded in approval._

_rich nodded. "sick."_

~

rich's lungs tightened. he took a sharp breath, hands gripping the edge of the table. he was quickly developing a serious migraine.

_is it normal to hear your heartbeat in your ears?_

"rich?" jake's voice pierced through the pounding in his head, clear as crystal. "you don't look too good."

"i'm fine," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "just- headache, sorry."

_at least it wasn't a total lie?_

jake frowned, tapping his own temple lightly. "it's not back, is it?"

he shook his head, feeling himself smile. "no. it's still me."

jake sighed. he was smiling again, and god, what rich wouldn't do to see that smile every day for the rest of all time. "good."

a hand reached across the table, a silent invitation. rich's heart swelled. he rested his hand in front of jake's, fingers tracing the lines of his open palm.

"this is nice," rich said softly, giving in to the way his insides warmed up. 

jake laughed. "yeah... it's been so long since it was just us, y'know?"

_just us._

quiet enveloped them, and somehow, rich felt himself sinking again. he frowned, trying to blink away the thoughts. _not now, not now, please not now..._

but, of course, he couldn't stop himself from spiraling. he never could.

~

_"richie, my man!"_

_jake was walking toward him with open arms, a red solo cup in either hand. he seemed to bounce rather than walk, body being carried by the heavy thump of the music around them._

_"jakey d," rich grinned, greeting him with a sort of chest-bump-high-five that should have been relatively difficult, but the squip aided his movements._

_"yo," jake laughed, "is this party lit or what?"_

_his voice was slurring. he was drunk._ of course he's drunk, dumbass, _rich scolded himself._ this is a high school party, not a bar mitzvah.

_"absolutely. are those jello shots?"_

_"wouldn't be a dillinger party without 'em."_

_"no, sir," rich found himself laughing. "pass me one, would you?"_

_jake nodded, saluting briefly before disappearing in the crowd. rich watched him go, not even realizing he hadn't moved until he felt a zap at his spine._

**_"rich, i highly advise you not to drink tonight."_ **

and why's that? _he said bitterly._ i'm here to have fun, aren't i?

_**"this is what we've been waiting for. your social status has reached its peak. look around. everyone at this party knows you, but no one has your confidence. your chill."** _

...your point?

**_"your new objective is as follows: talk to the people around you. they'll feel more confident when approached by someone of a higher social status. get them interested in squips. convince them they need them. they need us."_**

~

rich's pizza tasted like cardboard.

he blinked a little, frowning at his plate. "we got any pepper flakes?"

jake nodded. "my man," he chuckled, pushing the shaker toward rich. he accepted it, pouring more and more over the cheesy blob on his plate until it was covereed entirely with red.

he bit into the pizza. his tongue burned, yet he still tasted nothing. he grimaced, reaching for the pepper flakes again.

"careful, man," jake said, slowly pulling the shaker away. "you've got more pepper on your plate than pizza."

he shrugged, taking another bite. _why couldn't he feel anything?_

~

convince them? _rich frowned, finding his way to the sofa and sitting down._ why?

_the squip eyed him up and down. there was something sinister in its eyes. **"think about it, rich. i aided you in becoming a completely different person. than you once were. i gave you popularity, academic success, and confidence. you're the best possible version of yourself with me around. imagine the kind of world we could have if everyone lived like you- achieving the most, becoming the best versions of themselves. we could be one step closer to total world peace."**_

_rich blinked incredulously._ you're kidding.

**_"i assure you, i am not. look around you! all of these poor, pathetic humans, living their lives only because they have no choice. imagine the things we could do. imagine how much happier everyone could be."_ **

i don't think that's a good idea.

_the squip snapped its fingers. electricity lit up rich's veins. he flinched._

**_"get to work, rich."_ **

_he sat still, twitching a little._ why should i? it's not what i want.

 **_"oh, i'm sorry,"_ ** _his squip sneered. **"would you rather go back to freshman year? spend the rest of your life completely invisible? you were nothing before me. hardly anyone ever really saw you- not even your dad-"**_

_"shut up!" rich yelled, jumping to his feet. "get out of my head!"_

_the squip laughed. **"cute. you think that's helpful."**_

_"i need mountain dew red," he mumbled, looking around. his outburst had drawn the attention of a few drunken, hazy-eyed teenagers. "yo," he said, looking around, "any of you got any mountain dew red?"_

_everyone shrugged, looking around before dismissing him._

**_"see? invisible."_ **

~

"rich."

jake snapped his fingers in front of rich's eyes, drawing him back to reality.

"hm?"

his eyes shimmered with fondness. "c'mon. i'll drive you home."

"no!' rich protested weakly. "we haven't finished our food yet."

jake was frowning. "does that really matter? you're not you right now."

"so?"

" _so,_ excuse me for worrying about my best friend?" he leaned back in his seat, eyeing rich up and down. "listen, i don't know what's going on, but i don't want you freaking out. let's just get you home okay? or, better yet, you can come crash at my new place for a while."

rich looked down at his hands. he was shaking.

"i don't know about that."

~

_rich rolled his eyes, wandering around the house. "i need mountain dew red," he found himself mumbling to everyone he passed. "it's like regular mountain dew, but red? little bottle, weird 90's wrapper? where the hell can i get mountain dew red?"_

_with every passing moment, the squip was shocking him. his entire body felt like it was on fire._

_he grabbed the nearest person by the collar of their shirt. "seriously, where the fuck can i get some mountain dew red?!"_

_the person blinked at him with wide eyes, shaking their head._

_he let go, grumbling and shoving them away._

_rich walked to the bathroom, throwing the door open. he splashed some water on his face. "mountain dew red," he was whispering under his breath, "i gotta get mountain dew red."_

_someone sniffled from the corner. he looked up to meet the eyes of someone familiar-_ didn't i write on this kid's backpack the other day?

_"squip messing with you, too?" the boy nearly spat. his eyes were red and puffy behind the thick rims of his glasses._

_"you-" rich blinked. "how do you know that?"_

_he shrugged. "research. be careful with that thing, it'll ruin your life- and your best friend's life, too."_

_rich nodded. "got that. i don't think it'll be a problem much longer, though."_

_he walked out, ignoring the boy's soft protest. rich stumbled his way downstairs, electricity rattling him from the inside out._

_jeremy was on the sofa._ he has a squip. he should be able to help.

_"jeremy, hey," he said all too quickly. he could feel himself shaking. "you got any mountain dew red?"_

_jeremy frowned at him bitterly. "okay, so this whole not-drinking-while-squipping thing... would it have killed you to give me a warning?"_

_rich gripped jeremy's shoulders tightly. "i'm serious, man. i need m-"_

_zap._

_he shuddered weakly. "i need m-m-"_

_zap._

_the squip covered his mouth, filtering its voice through him. **"warning. warning."**_

_against his will, he was standing, being dragged by his squip out of the room._

~

walking out of sbarro, rich finally realized how hard it was getting to breathe. he closed his eyes, trying to steady himself.

distantly, he could hear jake asking him something, but he couldn't find it in himself to respond.

~

_"i can't get rid of you.."_

_rich was on his knees, twitching with every passing shock. the squip stood proudly in his peripheral vision, taunting him._

_he took a shuddering breath. "but i won't let you get inside anyone else."_

_the squip leaned down, cold eyes meeting his. **"and how do you plan on stopping us?"**_

_he looked around the room, seeing bottle upon bottle of various liquors._

_in the corner, a jug of gasoline._

_he pulled himself toward the jug. "...with this."_

_~_

"fuck!"

rich felt his hands grabbing at his hair, scratching at his scalp. his eyes burned with tears threatening to fall.

"fuck, fuck, get out of my head!"

jake froze, resting a steady hand on his shoulder. "richie? talk to me."

he shook his head. "i can't- i can't- i'm so sorry-"

he felt a pair of arms wrap around him securely. rich sobbed, leaning into jake's chest.

around them, the mall was loud. someone was asking jake something, and kids were scuffing their shoes, and in the back of rich's mind, all he heard was _your fault, your fault, your fault._

"i'm sorry," he whimpered, balling his fists in jake's shirt. he felt jake walking, uneasy, to a vacant kiosk. 

"it's okay," he was whispering now, gentle and kind. "i've got you, bud. just breathe for me, okay?"

he nodded. it was quieter here. he could breathe here.

it took a while, but slowly, rich found himself able to breathe again. he leaned into jake's arms, holding him tightly.

"i... i think we should leave."

jake chuckled softly.

"i think you're right."

**Author's Note:**

> comments & kudos are appreciated!! lots of love!!


End file.
